Very Hottest Photos

As a young man who appreciates all the warming trays in our cultural buffet, I've made it a point to attend this year's Kansas International Film Festival at the Glenwood Arts Theater. I was especially interested in the screening of the Black Swan, from Darren Aronofsky, the director, nay, auteur, responsible for such statements of our times as the Wrestler, Requiem For A Dream, and Pi.

It pleases me to report this newest picture is a nightmarish thriller of such artfulness as to recall the early work of artists like David Cronenberg, or perhaps Michael Powell at his most bittersweet. Also, Mila Kunis absolutely has sex with Natalie Portman. SPOILERS!

You remember how last year every nerd was running around talking about how James Cameron changed cinema with Avatar and that they couldn't bear to live in the real world anymore because it wasn't as beautiful as Pandora? Hey Cameron, I've got some news! Did you know that Darren Aronofsky just took that technology you spent 10 years working on and made it look like 162 minutes of Danny Devito sitting on the toilet while eating KFC Extra Crispy out of the bucket?

And that someone smeared vaseline on the camera lens? That's what just happened. Because I've seen how to make real beauty on screen, and it's Mila Kunis burying her face in Natalie Portman's muff. BOOM!